Friday, January 16, 2009
Monday, December 29, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
The Frogurt Necklace
It was my first visit to Utah. It was summer and the sun had a bad habit of melting the Frogurt Necklaces I had made for my plump American friends. The summers in Albania are significantly cooler than in Utah and so I had not figured on the necklaces melting so easily. This spawned a frightening sequence of problems that nearly cost me my life, which I will hereafter set forth.
First, it is crucial that you understand how and why these necklaces came into existence. They are a family secret that my great-grandfather Julius Whipplestitch started in Albania. During the Great Forgurt Surge (roughly Mar 1867-June 1868) when everyone who was anyone in Albania was searching for new and disturbing flavors of Frogurt, Julius invented three new revolutionary flavors of Frogurt: Lime Cheesecake, Salmon n' chives, and Horsemeat. This last flavor was the most popular and launched my family into instant wealth. However, since the only way to render the flavor properly was to boil horseflesh into the yogurt before it was frozen, animal rights activists (these groups existed in Albania long before they did in America) rioted on three occasions and the crown prince of Albania himself ordered Julius to cease making the flavor.
Unbekownst to the general populous, however, Julius continued making a private batch for the Prince each year in secret. To keep the secret safe, Julius invented an ingenious strategy to trafick the Horse-flavored Frogurt to the Prince--he froze the Frogurt into pellets and strung the pellets into necklaces. Then he gave the necklaces to the Princess as a yearly Glue-day present (Albanians celebrate the day glue was invented since during the great famine of 1856 they survived by devouring the Crown reserves of glue). The secret to making the necklaces and the Three Secret Flavors was passed from father to Eldest Son until I am the sole person alive who remembers the recipe.
First, it is crucial that you understand how and why these necklaces came into existence. They are a family secret that my great-grandfather Julius Whipplestitch started in Albania. During the Great Forgurt Surge (roughly Mar 1867-June 1868) when everyone who was anyone in Albania was searching for new and disturbing flavors of Frogurt, Julius invented three new revolutionary flavors of Frogurt: Lime Cheesecake, Salmon n' chives, and Horsemeat. This last flavor was the most popular and launched my family into instant wealth. However, since the only way to render the flavor properly was to boil horseflesh into the yogurt before it was frozen, animal rights activists (these groups existed in Albania long before they did in America) rioted on three occasions and the crown prince of Albania himself ordered Julius to cease making the flavor.
Unbekownst to the general populous, however, Julius continued making a private batch for the Prince each year in secret. To keep the secret safe, Julius invented an ingenious strategy to trafick the Horse-flavored Frogurt to the Prince--he froze the Frogurt into pellets and strung the pellets into necklaces. Then he gave the necklaces to the Princess as a yearly Glue-day present (Albanians celebrate the day glue was invented since during the great famine of 1856 they survived by devouring the Crown reserves of glue). The secret to making the necklaces and the Three Secret Flavors was passed from father to Eldest Son until I am the sole person alive who remembers the recipe.
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